To chart a map of my inner world is a decent thing and showing you could be considered either brave or boring. To record and then publish my narcissism and navel-gazing is an honest thing but simultaneously pointless. To use this space on the Internet to admit I'm selfish and inward focused (I'm 24 after all so it's no secret) is an attempt at being "real" but is also "artfully crafted".
Maybe honest art isn't inherently a GOOD thing, but it's a TRUE thing, and TRUE things are rare birds. This blog is a record of my life and what I experience at this point in space and time. Like most Millennials I have always utilized the Internet as both inward-facing diary and outward-facing curation of my Ideal Self, or my Meta Persona. I oscillate between feeling like these two selves cannot co-exist in the same space, and that they not only can, but absolutely should.
Isn't exposing our interior lives the only REAL way to connect in a sea of artfully filtered Instagram feeds and spell-checked Facebook statuses?
Being young, I am figuring out BOTH aspects of myself (my inner-facing self and my external-facing self) at the SAME TIME. WHY CAN'T they coexist, since they are both aspects of ME? If I separated them would it be less authentic?
Is that Metamodernism? The 2015 Artist is hyperaware of audience. Therefore, all our art is created with a pre-made audience in mind (even if the audience doesn't exist yet; but there's the Millennial entitlement, the "I deserve an audience just for showing up" vibe). But we know that the audience is more discerning than ever, (read: forum trolls) and hence we have to shroud all our attempts at pure true art with sarcasm and blase attitude.
AKA, Metamodernism is "(I worked really fucking hard on this) I'm in on the joke and (if you hate it I will be devastated) if you hate it I don't really care because I half-hate it myself."
Problems I find burly and unsolvable but may be basic to the outside world still deserve to be documented. Further, maybe that is how I work through them. Showing my icky guts is a way to connect with your icky guts. Or at least this is what I'm trying to tell myself when I unearth and share something that is honest and maybe a little stupid.
I have been very depressed and anxious lately. I am currently unable to go to therapy and had a mini health scare and I have a lot of big decisions on the horizon and I've been in a bit of a dark space. I haven't been creating anything although I have been reading a lot and going on walks. And so I took these pictures of all these collections I didn't mean to have but have, because it's one step in a direction of Making Something, and it's a good portrait of the things I busy myself with at an attempt to process being a Person Today. It's me inching closer to sharing my Real Self even as I strive to become better and less superficial. Like, I collect lipsticks and want you to love me for it. Could I BE more of a punchline?