Haven't posted in a long time because I don't feel like I have a grip on anything anyway, and I don't mean that in an off-kilter or depressing way, I'm just being real in the fact that I'm not on top of my shit and I'm just letting myself not be. I'm not keen on posturing as some authority figure on keeping mental illness issues on an even keel because that isn't authentic to my experience. Sometimes you learn a lot and implement a lot and make so much progress but other times you do what you fucking can and it's hard and you're only treading water.
So that's this summer. I've been busy. My friends and I made a short film. I joined up with a generous, welcoming art community. I've been writing. I got a new job. I got a dog. I've been feeling really lit the fuck up, which has been lovely, on one hand, because I've been feeling inspired and creative. I love it. But that mania can swerve into treacherous territory really quickly, and it has been doing its fair share of that too. I've been coping with some weird health issues. I've been smoking cigarettes again. I haven't been sleeping much. Drinking a lot. Super overwhelmed at my new job, even though I love it. Feeling like I'm forever falling behind.
Last night I went to my mom's to pick up my dog and before I knew it I'm sitting at her kitchen table at one in the morning eating banana creme pie and crying about how stressed I've been. And my mom's just like "You need to slow down."
So. I'm sitting here with greasy hair and yesterday's mascara and a messy house, feeling like a girlshell, and I'm trying to let myself be a little all over the place without wallowing in self-pity/doubt/existential doom. I guess that's the balance I've been trying to strike lately-- how do you let yourself feel your dark feelings completely without wallowing and being self-destructive? How do you ride the wave of a fast sexy summer and not drown?
It's hard. Aren't you worldsick? I fucking am. I don't believe in America anymore. I don't know if I ever did. I'm starting to think justice is a pipe dream. "Freedom" is a safeword people use to keep killing other people. Dude, Donald Trump is probably going to be our next president. It's like some Second Coming shit.
I guess I can take comfort, then, in the fact that I'm not the only thing that's messy. Everything is messy right now. Everything is fucked up. That's the only redeeming part of chaos, right? It levels the field. Great things can be spun in the wake of a storm, but to get those raw materials, old things must first get ripped apart. So I'm just buckling in, I guess, and trying to ride out this ruthless changing.